


This Town Is Only Gonna Get Worse

by hedwwig



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lack of Communication, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:41:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4654491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedwwig/pseuds/hedwwig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one knows what went wrong here. They just know everything IS wrong. Where do they go from here?</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Town Is Only Gonna Get Worse

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote a wolfstar ficlet. warnings for implied depression, implied abuse, bad family dynamics. potentially triggering for people with dependent personality disorder. potentially triggering for people with bpd or avpd. potentially triggering for a lot of people. it’s fucking sad and alarming basically.

It was quiet.

The Gryffindor sixth year boys’ dormitory was rarely quiet, but tonight the only sound was the gentle scratch of Remus’s torn fingernails against the embroidery of his duvet. James was out with Lily, Peter was at some club meeting, and Remus was left here to fiddle with a loose bit of thread and worry the inside of his lip.

And there was Sirius on the other bed. Staring studiously at the carpet. His face was streaked with tears.

It had been quiet for a while.

A muffled pop from a game of exploding snap taking place downstairs made Sirius blink. He took a deep breath and rubbed his face. He spoke for the first time in what seemed like hours.

“What… what even happened, tonight?”

Remus shrugged and still could not meet his eyes. “I don’t know,” he said quietly. “We were fine and then we weren’t. And then you were crying. And then it was bad. I don’t know.”

Sirius swallowed a pang of contempt that rose from his gut when Remus refused to look at him. He knew it wasn’t personal. It would just be a lot easier if he didn’t feel like the only one trying to fix things. He stared at the side of Remus’s head, willing him to meet his eyes. No such luck. Of course.

He took another breath, letting it out in a heavy sigh. No response from the other bed.

“I’m sorry, for what it’s worth.”

Remus’s lip curled in what was probably a “don’t be ridiculous” face but looked more like a disgusted sneer to Sirius. And just as soon as it appeared, it was gone. Now he just looked empty. Or maybe sad.

“You don’t have to be sorry. You feel things. You have emotions. They’re not… something to apologize for. It’s fine.”

“If it’s fine then why is nothing fine?”

Remus laughed bitterly and ripped the loose thread from the duvet. He fell backwards into his pillows and addressed the ceiling with his fingertips between his teeth.

“Because I don’t know what to do, I guess? Because I never seem to know what to do? Because when I lose my fucking mind you pick up the pieces like it’s what you were designed to do, like you don’t know any other life but finding my lost marbles, but when things go shit for you I just. Sit here. I don’t know.”

Sirius felt nothing. He was sad, but also nothing. He knew the proper way to feel in this situation was sorry and sad for Remus. He knew he was supposed to encourage him. But that would really only confirm what Remus had just told him, wouldn’t it? He settled for continuing to stare at his maybe-boyfriend-maybe-nothing’s temple. Who even knew anymore, anyway.

“I just. I guess the letter from Reg hit me kind of hard. I mean… he lives a few floors away and he hates me so much he had to send me a letter to communicate as much rather than just telling me? Because he can’t even stand to look at me I guess. Whatever.”

Remus blinked. “Yeah. Whatever.”

It was quiet again. Sirius swallowed. Everything was still Nothing, but he felt like crying again. That couldn’t happen. He followed Remus’s cue and laid back into his pillows. He blinked a few times before speaking.

“All I really needed was for you to tell me you loved me.”

The silence only stayed for a few seconds this time.

“Sorry.”

Sirius noted the fist clenching around his heart and his trachea. He felt it. He let himself feel it, and did nothing. He looked over at Remus again.

“You shouldn’t bite your nails.”

Remus finally met his eyes. He removed his fingers from his mouth. They were bloody. He got up and began to get ready for bed.

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek. A switch inside of him flipped, and he stood up. When Remus returned from the washroom, his bed was occupied.

Remus laid down next to Sirius, turning his back to him. Sirius stayed on his side, facing the back of his maybe-boyfriend-maybe-nothing’s head. He stared at the scar behind Remus’s right ear and tried to convince himself that everything was fine.

Long after Remus had fallen asleep, Sirius was still staring at that scar, trying to think of a way to say “even if you don’t love me, I love you” without sounding like a manipulative twat. Trying to figure out if he still had a boyfriend or not. Trying to figure out if Remus even cared about him. Trying to figure out what it said about him that so much depended on the answer to that question. Trying to feel something.

Sirius felt like he did a lot of trying these days. He reached a short distance and put his hand on Remus’s side. Remus stirred, and reached his other hand around his body to grip Sirius’s like a lifeline.

Sirius stroked Remus’s thumb with his own, and let go. He pulled his hand back and felt nothing again. He absentmindedly began biting his nails.

Maybe tomorrow would be something, for a change.

He fell asleep.

It was quiet.


End file.
